Sunday, June 26, 2011


I have vowed to always be real on this blog. Parenting isn't all sunshine and roses, and adoption isn't either. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Period.

And if you're just here for the pictures, there are none today. We just can't get that many good pictures through the hospital glass. Most of the time the curtains are shut so it is dark, and Lily is in a crib that is not close to the window.

Today was (hopefully) our last visit at the hospital. Tomorrow Lily should be moved back to the orphanage. I'm glad it was our last visit there because that place is wearing on me. Today as we stared through the looking glass I just started to wonder if any of it matters. Does it matter to Lily that we come to see her every day for 20 minutes? All we can do is knock on the window. Sometimes that gets her attention but it doesn't keep it.

Do our visits matter to the other two children in the room with her that we've fallen in love with? What will happen to them? Will we ever see them again? I've taken so many pictures of them but I'm not going to post them on here. They are somebody's child and I will respect their privacy. Will they ever have a Mama or Papa?

And as I looked at Lily I felt doubts creeping in:

  • Will she learn to smile and laugh?
  • Will she learn to make eye contact for longer than a few seconds?
  • When she is rocking herself, will I be able to comfort her?
  • When she is lost in her own little world that has been her coping mechanism, will I be able to help her out?
  • How long will the stimming last?
  • When will she walk?
  • When will she talk?
  • Will she learn to sign?
  • Does she have the slightest clue who we are?
I say all this now not because I expect answers to fall from the sky, but because I want to have a record of my thoughts. Months and years from now I want to look back on this list and be able to answer those questions. I want other adoptive parents who are thinking the same things to know they are not alone.

I am ok with not having answers right now. But it is still hard.


Mel said...

I don't have a timeline for you Jess, Lily will make her own. I can tell you though that most of the questions that you have will have positive answers. It will amaze you even a few months from now to look back and read these posts and comments because the difference in her once he is home will be amazing. Once you can physically interact with her, the changes will be very noticable, you're right, your through-the-glass-visits probably aren't very interesting to her. hehe Hang in there, things will get better!! Once you can kiss her and hug her and hold her and love on her, things will be so so different!! Praying that happens SOON!!

Courtney Connelly said...

Thanks for the updates, it is so nice to know how to pray for you! Your honesty is refreshing. Hoping you get to HOLD your sweet girl very soon! Take care.

Kellan's momma said...

My prayers are with you, and I know you are making a difference, and that matters!

Stephanie said...

You WILL make a difference in her life....she will do so many things she will amaze you! I suspect that some of your doubts will vanish when you get to hold her....I can't imagine having to visit with her through must be hard. Hang in there!

Stephanie Lynch

Dianne said...

Do you ever wonder if God wonders the same thing about us?

And what if you take the "I" out of your questions to ask for God's role in all of this.

And what of those other children that you have a heart for? How much bigger is God's heart? How much more does He want them to have a family? The difference you make may not be remembered by the children in that room, but the prayers you (and all those following your story) pray will remain as a blessing over them for life.

Joni said...

Thanks for being so open about your doubts. We are home for our 10 day wait right now and I'm experiencing so many doubts also. Sometimes, I catch myself wondering "What have I done?" and then I start feeling so guilty for even thinking that. Everyone is telling me how great it is that we are doing this but inside I'm thinking they would probably change their minds if they could see all of my thoughts. I admire you for pursuing a special needs child. We have ended up with a special needs child, but I never thought I could handle it. It wasn't even something we considered. I know that God doesn't call the equipped but equips those He calls so I will just hold on to that and trust the He will be enough to cover all of my mistakes and my doubts. Anyway, it's very comforting to see other people going through the same things. Thanks for sharing!

Kaiya said...

So I found this and I love that now we know that yes, she learned to smile, and sign, and talk a little, and walk, and love and she's come so far and still has so far she's going to go!
PS These posts are making me tear up.